When I think about what I want my life to look like, I tend to imagine a me with more motivation. But there are nuances to what I desire, and I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t want just any type. I’ve spent a great deal of time being motivated by anxiety and fear of failure and a sense of inadequacy. It feels better than nothing because, at its core, I think my discomfort comes from stagnation. Anything that moves me toward accomplishment soothes my fear of a wasted life, but it’s a frightening position to hold. Instead, I want to be motivated by inspiration. I want to chase something that feels meaningful and impactful, not run from something bleak.

My therapist sent me some journal prompts, one of which was “What topic or cause ignites a fire in you? How can you dive deeper into this passion, and how might it align with a larger purpose?” When I feel inspired, it usually revolves around my interests in art, writing, and science. As a teenager, I saw these interests as divergent, and when faced with the decision of what to pursue, I chose science as the safer option. Now, with a span of seven years between present day and college graduation, I feel I’ve strayed from that path. My job as an editor has nothing to do with ecology, evolutionary biology, or anthropology. Grappling with that void has revealed that the combination of my interests sparks consistent inspiration. Being in nature often gives me the urge to create something. I love marveling at the results of evolution: the complexity of forms and function and the beauty of competition and coexistence. Representing the colors, the scenes, and the thoughts and emotions they spark, whether through images or writing, feels satisfying.

But what is the larger purpose of art? Is simple appreciation a worthy pursuit? Does sharing a perspective benefit others? Writing this blog certainly feels meaningful. I enjoy reducing stigma surrounding mental health, encouraging connection and conversation, and helping others feel less alone. Perhaps creative inspiration fuels my desire to share with others — and hopefully be a force for good.

The singular problem with relying on inspiration is that the fear of losing it holds me back. When inspiration wanes, I find myself plagued by feelings of failure and the sort of motivation I don’t like: the relentless self-criticism that leads to unsustainable and unfulfilling production. Rather than enjoying the inspiration while it lasts and accepting that it might come and go, I resist even starting out of a shameful pessimism. Why invest in creativity when I’ll inevitably lose it and feel hopelessly frustrated and disappointed? This is perfectionism and the negative outlook of depression.

In an effort to combat this pattern, I’ve decided that the formula for inspiration is:

Exposure + (Intention – Expectation)

I need to put myself in situations that expose me to the kinds of things that inspire me, and I need to be looking for that spark. Walking through the world without the intention of finding opportunity, or worse — staying isolated — makes for a life sapped of color. Avoiding expectation is crucial, though. Guidelines can be good; I have a loose goal of posting to my blog every other week. But intending to find inspiration with a strict expectation that I will (or else), is a recipe for disappointment. I’m trying to be more flexible and less perfectionistic.

Applying this formula to my life is easier said than done, especially while dealing with the irresistible depression naps and fatigue. But I’m making small steps, beginning with a return to my blog and embroidery. These tiny pieces have proven to be approachable, satisfying, and fun.

I hope that all of you, dear readers, can find ways to be open to inspiration, whether it’s the spark to create, to reach out to a friend, to ask for help, or to learn something new. What inspires you?