How I See Medication While Depressed vs. Better
My recent experiment, in which I got off all of my medications and became horribly depressed, taught me that I do not do well without lithium and that lithium alone is not enough. This information wasn’t surprising, but I was hoping for a different outcome. I was really hoping. I was hoping that I could…
Overthinking and Decision Root Balls
I have a tendency to move my decisions from nice, logical decision trees into an underground network of convoluted root balls. Aboveground, choices are determined based on simple, bifurcating factors. Underground, no such rules exist. Sometimes my decision root balls are so confusing that they’re also wrapped up in other trees’ roots. Those aren’t even…
Trying to Restart My Hobbies
It bothers me periodically that I’ve lost interest in my hobbies. I used to enjoy going to the library, but I don’t read anymore. I try every once in a while to draw something or start an embroidery project, but I usually just end up staring at the materials for a while and then giving…
Familiar Themes: Ketamine Troches Part 2
Listening to music during ketamine infusions usually helped me generate a flow of images connected by associations that were often mysterious to me when the infusion was over. Sometimes, I would be faced with settings or items that had made recent appearances in my life, and other times, the things I saw seemed entirely random.…
Renewing The Ketamine Chronicles: Troches Part 1
I wrote in my last post that my ill-advised attempt to get off my medications is not going well. Not much of a surprise, I suppose. My psychiatrist suggested I try an oral formulation of ketamine, known as troches (pronounced “tro-keys”). These are dissolvable tablets that you take home and administer to yourself on a…
Testing My Mental Health Baseline Is Not Going Well
When some questions about my diagnosis arose a couple months ago, I realized that my medications made it difficult to determine which symptoms were side effects and which were stemming from me. I’ve wanted to get off my meds for a long time, partly because I have an unhealthy tendency to blame myself for my…
Was I Misdiagnosed? Unipolar vs. Bipolar Depression
In late summer of last year, I increased my antidepressant, Emsam, from 9 to 12 mg. I was staying in a hotel at the time, and something odd began to happen. I started to hear music when the AC was running. It is normal for people to hear tunes in the mechanical background noise of…
Why Anxiety About Therapy Isn’t a Bad Sign
Having anxiety about therapy doesn’t mean that therapy isn’t “for” you or that you can’t benefit from it. Instead, it might be a fear you can change by adjusting the way you approach your sessions. We often focus on the role of the therapist and how well we connect with them when talking about how…
TMS, Seroquel, and Sudden Relief
Initially, my extended TMS course didn’t seem to have much of an effect on me, except perhaps to kick my insomnia into a higher gear. After much thought and discussion, I decided to stop TMS suddenly rather than taper my appointments. Getting TMS treatments every day had begun to feel pointless. We’d tried several adjustments…
Saving the Roses and Losing the Trees
This might be my last Marshall fire-related post, at least for a while. The remnants of our house have been cleared away, and it seems like a natural opportunity to reflect. While painful, I hope that this step in the process can offer us some closure. My other wildfire posts can be found here: My…
TMS Update
I’ve been getting TMS treatments for the last several weeks. So far, it has not been helpful for me, and it seems to have worsened my insomnia. I’m extending my treatment past the planned-for 36 sessions in case I’m just a late responder, but I’m struggling to be optimistic. I mentioned in my first post…
Feeling Shame about Psychiatric Medication
The first time I experienced shame related to mental illness, I was 11 years old and caught in the torturous intrusive thoughts and compulsive behaviors of OCD. Therapy did not go well because I found it nearly impossible to overcome my shame and embarrassment enough to participate. There were times when I was so appalled…
Insomnia and Seeing Spiders
I have not been sleeping well lately. TMS seems to have worsened my insomnia such that I’ve slept five hours a night, give or take an hour, for the last few weeks. It’s not so little that I was dramatically impacted right away, but the cumulative effects are becoming apparent. For one thing, if I…
What My Initial TMS Appointment Was Like
I recently started TMS for treatment-resistant depression. My first appointment was an interesting process. Regular visits are fairly straightforward, but there are a lot of steps to complete in a first TMS appointment that set you up for the rest of your treatment. Here’s how mine went. I arrived at the clinic at my appointment…
Shifting My Depression Treatment from Ketamine to TMS
Unfortunately, ketamine is not helping me much anymore. The infusion before last gave me a small boost, and I remember feeling good for about five days following my appointment. Some of the other benefits I get from ketamine, including improved appetite, fewer thoughts about self-harm and suicide, and more energy, still seemed to extend for…
How I Track Mental Health Symptoms
My therapist has been encouraging me to track my depression and various contributing factors for years. I’ve tried several apps, journals, and charts, but I always drop the practice after a little while. Eventually, I identified why those tools never worked for me and used that information to make my own system. Why Motivational Journals…
Thoughts on Depression, Trauma, and Change
My depression has not been great lately, and I’ve let my blog go wild in my absence. The longer I go without posting, the harder it is to pick up again. I have to think back to where I left off and decide how to begin. After the Disaster Last I wrote, I was wrestling…
Letting go of Items Found in the Ashes After the Marshall Fire
When we saw the pictures of our house after the Marshall Fire, we thought for sure there would be nothing left. We wanted to see for ourselves whether anything survived, though, so once we had donned our protective gear, we got to work sifting through the ash and rubble. Almost immediately, I found the ceramic…
My House Burned Down in the Marshall Fire in Colorado
On the morning of December 30th, 2021, my mother and I walked through the neighborhoods across the boulevard, pausing to watch the geese on Harper Lake. We marveled at the waves, agreeing that we’d never seen such wind in our community. In the shelter of the neighborhoods, we picked up empty milk jugs and cardboard…
Examples of Sensory Processing Disorder Symptoms From an Adult with SPD
There are many resources online with examples of Sensory Processing Disorder, but what does it really feel like? As an adult who was diagnosed with SPD as a child, I finally have the language and perspective to be able to describe what Sensory Processing Disorder feels like to me. This article provides examples of Sensory…
Sound Sensitivity: The Ketamine Chronicles (Part 36)
A common side effect of ketamine infusion therapy for depression is sensitivity to sound during treatments. Here’s how it affected me in my recent IV ketamine infusion.
Enjoying Good Days with Treatment-Resistant Depression
I’d like to store away moments of gratitude. I’m trying to let go of the fear that my good days with depression will inevitably end.
Ketamine for Depression: Misconceptions, Stigma, and Prejudice Online
As a ketamine infusion patient, I feel strongly that information about ketamine treatments can save lives. In this post, I break down some stereotypes and misconceptions about ketamine infusions.
How Psoriasis Affects My Mental Health
I recently took my first dose of Stelara, an injectable medication known as a “biologic” that treats, among other things, psoriasis. I’m so excited, I could pop. What is Psoriasis? Psoriasis is an extremely visible autoimmune condition which results in red, inflamed skin with scaly white flakes. My immune system is attacking my skin, causing…
A Strange Effect: The Ketamine Chronicles (Part 35)
The last time I had a ketamine infusion, my experience was dramatically bizarre. I have reached the upper limit of what is comfortable for me, so the infusion itself was intensely immersive. More unusual, though, were the days following the infusion. In hindsight, they were a touch disturbing. Possible Mania After My August Ketamine Infusion…
Turmoil
Well, my family is going through some big changes, I left my job, I’m doubting my medication choices, and I have no idea how to write about any of it. I want this blog to be helpful to other people, so I try to at least be informative and destigmatize conversations about mental health by…
An Overdue Ketamine Infusion Report: The Ketamine Chronicles (Part 34)
It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything about my ketamine infusions. My dose of ketamine is high enough now that, combined with the rather sedating anti-nausea medications, I don’t tend to remember much. I have still been getting infusions, though, and I hope that despite the lack of fantastical details, my experience can still…
How Sensory Processing Disorder Can Make Screens Unbearable
Twice this week, I surpassed my daily limit of 5 consecutive hours of high-focus screen time. This limit is one imposed by Sensory Processing Disorder, and if I carry on without adjusting my environment and practices, there are unpleasant consequences. These include nausea, vertigo, and intense anxiety bordering on sudden panic. Visual Stimuli and Sensory…
I’m Mildly Depressed!
This is momentous. I took my regularly scheduled depression questionnaire and, instead of the “moderate” or “moderately severe” that it’s been for a long time, it said “mild” when I submitted it! I’m mildly depressed! Hooray! I’ve been taking Emsam for a few weeks, now. I don’t think I’ve felt such a dramatic improvement in…
Let’s Talk About Periods and Mental Health
As many as 3 in 4 women experience PMS. What happens when PMS combines with mental health diagnoses like depression?
Switching Antidepressants: Emsam Update
I’ve been taking Emsam, an MAOI antidepressant, for a few days now, and although I can’t say that I feel amazing, I think I do feel better than I did before I started. The two weeks between ending Wellbutrin and starting Emsam were a struggle, but hopefully will be worth it. Emsam comes as a…
Goodbye, Wellbutrin. Hello, MAOI.
A week ago, I stopped taking Wellbutrin so that I can try Emsam, an MAOI. (I have to wait two weeks between ending Wellbutrin and beginning the MAOI.) I think it was good timing that my most recent ketamine infusion was around the same time I stopped taking Wellbutrin because I’m already feeling pretty terrible.…
At the Bottom of a Well: The Ketamine Chronicles (Part 33)
I forgot to put on a scopolamine patch the evening before this ketamine infusion, but other than that, this one was packed with stuff intended on making the ketamine more effective. Cimetidine, magnesium, petocin, some anti-nausea drugs, to be honest, it’s all a blur. It was “the kitchen sink.” Getting infusions of IV ketamine for…
Some Benefits of Ketamine for Treatment-Resistant Depression (for me)
My experience with ketamine for treatment-resistant depression has helped me feel more motivated, less withdrawn, and more engaged.
I Want to Be a Quitter: Thoughts on Personal Growth
Counterintuitively, stubborn determination is a trait that really holds me back from personal growth. It creates a cycle of unnecessary stress, anxiety, and avoidance that leads me to say “no” more often than I’d like. The Cycle When I start something, I automatically lock myself into seeing it out, even if I don’t like it,…
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Love, Your Brain 