I’d like to introduce you to my irrational brain, partly to illustrate how distorted depression can make your thoughts, and partly to convince myself that this will pass. I take methylfolate because I’m a mutant and it helps my antidepressants work better. I ran out a couple of weeks ago and was slow to get it refilled. There aren’t any withdrawal symptoms of going cold-turkey because it’s really more of a supplement than anything else. (I’m much more careful about my other medications; you should never stop taking antidepressants suddenly without the supervision of your doctor.)
In any case, I didn’t call right away to get my methylfolate refilled. Initially, I thought that it would surely stay in my system for a few days and that it wouldn’t be a big deal to go without it briefly. In hindsight, that was a mistake. It was ok for a few days, but once I started to feel my depression worsen, I started to think some really unhelpful thoughts.
I messed up by not being on top of my responsibilities health-wise. This is my fault. I deserve to feel this. Therefore, I should not refill this medication, so as to prolong my suffering and punish myself.
Uh, no. Just… no. This is rational brain speaking. The statements above are utter nonsense and are not helpful in the slightest.
While I know that the most logical explanation for this decline in my mood is the lack of that medication, irrational brain whispers that maybe it’s just me. And that just in case it’s not me, and the arrival of that medication marks an end to this little blip, now’s my chance to self-destruct.
Seriously. Where do these thoughts come from?! Here’s another example: I was sitting outside with my dog and realized I hadn’t had any water in a while. Out of nowhere, my irrational, depressed brain said I deserve to be thirsty.
Apparently, I should just completely deprive myself of all comfort and nourishment, because according to my automatic thoughts, I’m a terrible person.
My meds have arrived, so the thing to do now is to try not to listen to myself until they kick in. Much easier said than done. In the meantime, I’m doing my best. That’s all we can ever do.
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[…] I ran out of methylfolate, my mutant brain began to rebel. All of the work I had done to pull myself out of the dark pit of depression flew […]