Tag: recovery

lamb sleeping in profile against wooden boards

Let Yourself Dream

GenevieveLeave a comment

Months ago, I made a draft document full of blog ideas. One of those ideas simply read “Let Yourself Dream”, with a brief list of my own lifelong dreams. It sat, unused, for months until, two days ago, my therapist suggested that I let myself dream this week. The words stuck, niggled in my brain for a few hours, and finally clicked. I had already written it down as a blog idea!

My depression is finally starting to lift, thanks to IV ketamine infusions and my rock-solid support system. Over the last few days, I’ve found myself thinking about all of the things that I want to do, now that I’m feeling better. Actually wanting to do something is an unfamiliar feeling, and is honestly a little overwhelming. There’s so much I want to do! Where do I start, and will this newfound mental health last? Rather than getting bogged down in all of the what ifs, this week, I’m going to dream.

1. Train and Certify Stella as a Therapy Dog

This is a goal that I’ve had ever since I adopted Stella, and maybe even before then. I think it would be so rewarding to volunteer with her in retirement homes, physical therapy treatment facilities, and hospitals. When I was a patient in a mental health hospital, we were delighted when a therapy dog came to visit us. To be able to bring a little bit of happiness to people in a difficult situation I have experience with would be beyond gratifying.

2. Hobby Farm

THIS has been my dream for a good decade or so. I love animals, and there’s something about having a house with spacious property and a chicken coop, barn for some sheep and goats, maybe a dairy cow, and some alpacas (so my mother can have their wool) that just sounds perfect. I love routine, and the hard work of caring for animals every day and maintaining a garden and home seems like it would be therapeutic for me. This is a lofty goal, but hey, we’re dreaming, here.

3. Make Writing a Career

Yeah. Not sure how to go about doing this or even if I would do okay at it. But doesn’t it sound nice to wake up, go take care of my farm animals, then spend time writing in my sunny home office before harvesting some home-grown vegetables? Sounds wonderful to me!

4. Have a Regular Social Calendar

This is maybe not so much a “dream” as it is an eventual necessity. Depression combined with introversion has made me very isolated. The thing to do now is to find some groups that interest me and actually go to them. Not just bookmark it or download an app, but actually go to an event and meet people. Easier said than done, but the best things are worth working for.

5. Run a Half-Marathon

Yet another thing I bookmarked and set aside. I used to run almost every day, and at times, it was really beneficial to my mental health. Unfortunately, I stopped running entirely for a while, and since then, have picked it up only in fits and spurts. If I’m going to reach my goal of running a half-marathon (let’s be reasonable- a full marathon is too much for me) I need to run with more consistency and pick a race to train for. The good news is, it’s always easier to get back into than I think.

 

These are just a few of my dreams, and although some of them are distant, it’s nice to remember that I’ve already achieved so many of my old ones. Getting my own dog was number one on my list after college, and now the single greatest joy/irritation in my life is watching my canine friend slam her paw down on my keyboard when I’m not petting her enough. It’s so endearing.

What are your dreams? Have you thought about it lately? Maybe take a moment this week to revisit those goals that seem out of reach and reassess; how would you go about achieving them?

Tall stalks with tiny purple flowers and a blurry background

Feeling Better with IV Ketamine Treatment for Depression: The Ketamine Chronicles (Part 6)

Genevieve2 Comments

In Part One of The Ketamine Chronicles, I said that I don’t remember what it feels like to feel better, so it’s hard to imagine it being worth the effort. Well, thanks to IV ketamine treatments, my treatment-resistant depression is improving and I’m feeling better. For future reference, it is absolutely worth the effort.

When I got up to the dog park one recent morning, the skies were clear and there was fresh, deep snow on the ground. There was nobody there, so we had the place to ourselves. I let Stella into the empty park and swung my boots through the heavy powder. A gentle honking made us look up to find a flock of geese passing by on downy wings. With one glance, Stella took off after the flock, bounding through the snow with unbridled joy. My breath rose in clouds as I whooped, urging her on and clapping my mittens in the sharp morning sunlight. I felt like I was on a different planet. A new one, with bright, saturated colors and crisp air. This is what ketamine has done for me.

How IV Ketamine Treatment for Depression Has Helped Me

No antidepressant I’ve tried has had an effect on my treatment-resistant depression like IV ketamine has. With one infusion left in my initial series, I thought I’d check in with how it’s been progressing. I’ve been going to Boulder Mind Care for my infusions, and it’s been a wonderful experience. For a process you begin while feeling absolutely terrible, Dr. G and Sarah make a huge effort to make you feel comfortable in their clinic.

Incremental Positive Change

I think my strategy of detached curiosity was successful; I started to feel discouraged when it didn’t work right away, but I tried to just accept the process at whatever point I was at. It was subtle at first. I didn’t wake up and feel cured, but gradually, small things became easier. Getting out of the house, running errands, and just holding a conversation with someone became manageable, sometimes even enjoyable. I read a book, I went out to dinner, I bought more art supplies, and I even looked up the location of a support group.

For the first time in a while, I find myself thinking about the future in a positive way. It seems like surviving – maybe even conquering – depression is possible for me, something that even a month ago I would not have said. The fear that it won’t last is still there. The feeling that I shouldn’t commit to anything in case I can’t follow through is still there. But I feel strong enough now to push those worries aside and challenge myself to grow.

IV Ketamine Treatment #7

Ketamine infusion number seven went well. Rather than decrease the dose from last time, we did the same dose but slowed down the rate of the infusion. It hit me so subtly that for a while, I could barely feel it. I kept thinking that it wasn’t affecting me yet, but then Dr. G got my attention and reminded me to close my eyes. When I did, I saw beautiful, delicate golden bubbles that turned into raw corn kernels.

I guess it was affecting me, after all.

A hand holding an ear of shucked yellow corn in a cornfield on a sunny day with blue skies.
Photo by Jesse Gardner on Unsplash

The corn multiplied and moved until it was an ocean of golden-yellow kernels with people swimming in the sound of it shifting and pouring. I adjusted the volume of my music with the buttons on the side of my phone and noticed that my fingers felt like they were coated in suede. Someone knocked on the door in the waiting room, and Dr. G leapt up. I think maybe the door was not supposed to be locked, but I honestly have no idea. I was too busy with my visions of corn.

I know that I saw other things, but I don’t remember them at this point. I think it’s fascinating to guess why my mind comes up with certain themes during my ketamine treatments. On the way to my appointment, I thought about popcorn while my mom and I discussed seeing a movie this weekend. I can’t help but wonder if that influenced my ketamine visions of corn oceans.

Just before my first infusion, I suggested to my mom that she bring her knitting in while she sat with me. That ketamine infusion was heavily saturated with images of knitted materials and quilts. I think there’s something to this theory, and I wonder if you could deliberately seed your short-term memory with certain things that you wanted to contemplate during a ketamine infusion. Or maybe it’s a strictly unintentional process. That’s an anecdotal experiment that would take me a long time since I have one infusion left before my initial series is finished. So, if anyone is starting ketamine treatment for depression or anything else, do me a favor and read this post beforehand. Then let me know if you see lots of corn. 😉

If you’d like to read more about my experience with ketamine for depression, start from the beginning of The Ketamine Chronicles or visit the archives. Click here for mobile-optimized archives of The Ketamine Chronicles.

sketch-of-hand-holding-razor-blade-with-text-not-today-brain

Self-Harm: Is It Eating At You?

GenevieveLeave a comment

Lately, I’ve been noticing the return of one of my most distressing depression symptoms: thoughts about self-harm. When I first started harming myself, I was so ashamed that I couldn’t talk about it at all. When asked, I’d shut down and say nothing for fear of crying uncontrollably. I have the same struggle when it comes to suicidal ideation; I feel such overwhelming shame that just saying the words out loud has been a gradual process. I was recently talking to my (very patient) nurse practitioner, who reminded me that the first time we talked about my suicidal thoughts it took me about ten minutes to get the words out, and I was shaking like a leaf the whole time.

It’s only recently that I’ve really been working on seeing these things – self-harm and suicidal thoughts – for what they are: symptoms of a larger issue. They’re indicators that my depression has worsened. There should be no judgments about willpower or self-control. They’re symptoms that should be taken seriously, but they’re nothing more or less – just symptoms.

While I know this intellectually, when those old thoughts come rushing back, so do the remnants of guilt and shame that I’ve worked to eliminate. It eats at me – the thoughts themselves and the judgments I hold against them. That’s how it always is; whether it’s a trickle or a flood, the thoughts eventually erode my determination not to give in to self-harm. It’s a battle to hold out until the thoughts pass, and sometimes I make it, but sometimes I don’t. The good news is, it does get easier with time and practice. If you relapse it can feel like you’re back at square one, but you’re not. If you need a little encouragement today, keep going. Keep working to treat yourself with kindness. You’ve got this.

Two Poems, One Year Apart

Genevieve2 Comments

I. 2018

How long can I hold my breath

in this murky, underwater state?

 

Life moves in slow motion.

Here, strange fish glide past-

feathers mark them as birds

in a different world.

There, tall grass sways

in the current.

 

My lungs are screaming-

-breathe in

-breathe in

it’s only air.

 

II. 2019

Finally-

my head above water,

I begin to swim

towards shore.

 

I get fatigued-

my body’s heavy,

still waterlogged,

and yet-

 

Clear air

and sunshine-

kiss my face

each day.

mountains

I was recently flipping through a journal and came across the first poem. I remember writing it. I was sitting on a bench outside, feeling utterly defeated by depression. I had gone for a walk on a trail I’d paced a hundred times, but felt foreign on the path and in my own body. Everything heavy, I sat on a bench and looked numbly at the world around me. All the parts of being outside that I love the most- the sun, the animals, the plants- seemed wrong. The sunlight was flat, the grasses moved unnaturally, and the birds seemed oblivious to my presence- as if I had already faded away.

These days, I still walk the same trail. Sometimes it feels like a chore, and sometimes it feels just right. I listen to the meadowlarks sing and the prairie dogs yip, and moving forward is easy. One foot in front of the other, I let the motion of my legs carry me without a thought. Other days, the weight of depression demands my attention. When that happens, and I’m overwhelmed by the sense that I shouldn’t be here- I shouldn’t be anywhere- all I can do is breathe, and wait for another good day.

Love,

Your brain

Time-lapse photography in black and white of stars appearing to rotate in the sky over silhouetted trees

Overcoming Depression’s Inertia

Genevieve1 Comment

It seems that every stage of depression recovery comes with its own tortuous fear.

I’m depressed, and I’m afraid I’ll feel like this forever.

I’m depressed and can see recovery in the distance, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to handle it. What if I don’t even know who I am anymore?

I’m less depressed, and I’m afraid that if I give myself a break, everything will fall apart again. 

I feel good, but I’m afraid that my depression will come back at any time.

I’m less depressed, and I’m getting out of the house and going for runs and doing yoga and going for hikes and doing the shopping and talking to neighbors and making appointments and I’m terrified. I’m terrified that if I stop even for a second, everything will fall apart. I’ll be right back where I started, in the deep nothingness of depression.

I wish it were easy to maintain balance; add a sprinkle of joy on this side, toss in a handful of rationality over here. But entropy won’t allow it, and neither will the laws of inertia. If an object at rest stays at rest, I must keep moving.

Except- there are outside forces acting on this object. I cannot keep moving indefinitely. Eventually, I must rest. Then, when I’ve replenished my energy, I’ll move again, each time becoming more and more balanced.

Love,

Your brain

Depression Limbo

Genevieve3 Comments

There’s a plateau that I always seem to hit in my recovery from a bout of depression. Since the first time I became depressed, I don’t think I’ve ever gotten past the plateau. I call it “Depression Limbo”. Here’s what I mean:

graph-of-depression-limbo-concept

Depression Limbo is an in-between place where things aren’t terrible, but they’re not great, either. Because you’re not in the pit of darkness, it’s easy to think you’re doing alright; and you are- comparatively. Things aren’t great, but they are ok. This makes it hard to find the motivation to pull yourself out of Depression Limbo. You think “this isn’t so bad. I can settle for this.” And that’s where it gets dangerous. Depression Limbo is flat, so you have no idea how close you are to the cliff and, therefore, to crisis. You could be anywhere along the plateau, but it all looks the same.

I’m in Depression Limbo. It’s a familiar place; I’ve been here several times before. I can laugh again. I’m enjoying my hobbies. I’m exercising again. I’m tempted to say it’s good enough, but I know that that’s risky. I’m tired all the time, I don’t really want to eat, and I tend to be trapped in my routine. This time, I won’t be settling for “good enough”. I’m going all the way to the top.

There is Always a Choice

GenevieveLeave a comment

TW: self-harm and suicide

I wrote this in my hospital journal towards the end of my stay. A few days ago, I published a post about self-compassion. The two seem to go together, in my mind.

drawing of landscape with tree and river and words about self-compassionThere is always a choice. Two therapists have told me this independently. It took a little while for the meaning to sink in after the first therapist said it. I had gone a few weeks without self-harm at that point, and I still felt utterly controlled by it. The question of whether to do it or not didn’t seem like a choice; it seemed like an inevitability. Over time, the less trapped by it I felt, and the more sense that statement made. Although the choice of whether to self-harm might have been stacked in favor of doing it, the choice to take steps to change that was still mine.

I relapsed and eventually ended up here, in the hospital. On the surface, I’m likely to view all of that as a failure. However, I didn’t make the wrong choice. I experienced the symptoms of wanting to self-harm and having suicidal thoughts. I made the choice to be honest and to go to the hospital. I’m making choices every day to participate in groups and to work towards stability.

Was cutting a choice? Yes, but it’s about more than that. It’s about larger choices. When my disorder makes resisting those urges and thoughts too difficult, agency over my life as a whole is still mine. I can decide to work towards taking back control in all areas, however slowly I have to do that. It’s about the choices I make to be honest with my loved ones, to go to therapy, and to take my medication, that will affect my recovery from an illness that makes me want to hurt myself, that makes me want to disappear, that tells me that I don’t matter.

I do matter. I choose to work towards self-love.

There is always a choice.

Love,

Your brain