Over the last couple of months, I’ve noticed a decline in my mood. I’m not sure why this is happening. Maybe it was stopping the ketamine, or maybe it’s the seasons changing. Or maybe it’s just the cycle my depression has taken. It was so subtle at first that I questioned whether I was imagining it. Fortunately/unfortunately, my extensive experience with being depressed has taught me to look out for several signs that my mood is trending in a concerning direction.

First, I start dreading and putting off my daily walks with Stella. When I do walk her, I get frustrated and impatient, often cutting the walk short so that I can get back inside. This sign is so consistently an indicator that my mood is slipping that I’ve learned to pay attention to it even before I notice any other symptoms of depression.

I also start crying more, which is extremely uncomfortable for me. Displays of emotion make me feel entirely too self-conscious, and crying in front of people is about seven steps too far. I dislike the feeling of losing control of myself. When I start crying at mildly poignant YouTube ads and any time I try to verbally express a slightly negative feeling, I know something’s up.

When I’m depressed, my PMS symptoms are monumentally more disruptive. The aforementioned tearfulness is elevated, my desire to do anything social disappears, and I often start to have urges to harm myself. It’s not a fun time.

Having trouble keeping up with self-care is a classic depression sign, and it’s definitely one I experience. When I start sleeping in my clothes because I just can’t be bothered to change into pajamas — even if it’s just one night — I try to pay attention. It’s easy to put off self-care tasks without realizing that I’m depressed, so sometimes I miss the significance of it. Certainly when it becomes a pattern, though, I know I’m in trouble.

Routine in general is very supportive for me. When I feel good, I adhere to my routine easily, and I feel that it helps me maintain my good mental health. But when I’m depressed, I forget to water my plants, I fall behind on laundry, and I don’t get dressed until the afternoon (when the dreaded walk with Stella becomes unavoidable).

Knowing my signs of depression is vital for combatting the slide into poor mental health, but it’s only part of the process. By the time I notice and accept that I’m becoming depressed, it’s already difficult to pull myself out of it. I’m considering reintroducing Lamictal to my list of medications, but I’m struggling with the concept of it. Being reluctant to take my medication is another unfortunate sign that my depression is worsening. I’m working on just being consistent with the ones I already take.

Seeing as tomorrow is Thanksgiving here in the U.S., I’ll end this post with some positive thoughts. I have a new job, which I really enjoy so far. I’m fortunate to be in a relationship with a wonderfully empathetic, intelligent person, and I’m looking forward to spending time with my family and friends tomorrow. My mental health may not be exactly where I want it to be, but my outlook is still largely positive, and my life is objectively amazing. Wishing you all comfort and happiness on whichever day of the year you read this.