Every time I have a sudden improvement in my treatment-resistant depression, I’m blown away by how much easier life is. When you live with something every day, you get used to it. It no longer catches your attention when your symptoms don’t stand out from the daily noise.
Yesterday, I had a good day. I called a friend, went for a run, attended a virtual writing group, and only napped for one hour! This is a dramatic improvement from recent weeks. I can’t believe that such a mundane day could feel so novel and exciting. Today, I woke up and thought, “What am I going to do today?” Not in my usual, “I’m tired, every day is the same, and I’d rather stay in bed but I have to do something,” way. More of an, “I could accomplish something today,” way. I actually feel slightly enthusiastic about it. I’m looking forward to the near future but nothing in particular, which is a foreign feeling to me. It’s a kind of vague “the day is full of possibilities” feeling that is a dramatic change for me. I attribute this shift to a second ketamine infusion I had just a few days after my regularly scheduled infusion. The goal was to sort of trampoline-double-bounce me, and hooray – it worked!
I had a conversation somewhat recently about how easy it is to doubt yourself when you have a chronic, “invisible” condition. You might start to forget what “normal” feels like, which makes it hard to tell if you’re there or not. For instance, I often find myself questioning whether I’m being sluggish because of depression or because I’m not putting in enough effort. When you check in with yourself often (“Am I feeling better yet? Is _____ working yet?”) it’s easy to get bogged down in minute details and lost. But a sudden shift in my mood shows me that I can easily tell when I feel better. It’s a change that I notice right away. It’s somewhat validating, actually.
I also try not to dwell on the anxiety that this improvement could be short-lived. I’m accustomed to the very slow seesaw of my moods, which makes a worsening of my treatment-resistant depression at some point in the future seem likely. It’s an exercise in mindfulness to focus on the day as it happens. Right now is pleasant and noticeably easier than just a few days ago. The future will unfold as it will, so I may as well appreciate the present.
Here are some things I appreciate: As I’m writing this, my dog is asleep with her head on my legs. I can feel her twitching as she dreams of canine life. I’m astonished at how much she helps me – how important she is to my mental health. I’m grateful beyond words for her. It’s almost noon and I am still awake, having made it several hours past my usual nap. I’m getting tired, but that’s ok. I’m going to enjoy the improvements and be kind about the symptoms that remain. I appreciate comfortable clothing, raspberry tea, and the flexibility my job provides. I recently learned that clams have internal organs but mussels do not, and I’m thankful for Wikipedia. I appreciate my curiosity, both for random facts and for how far I can go with this newly lightened mood.