CW: mentions of self-injury and suicide

Carrying depression around only gets heavier. Like you were forced to sign a contract whose small print stipulates that not only will this weight of sadness and hopelessness sit on you for long periods of time, but it will also collect small, dense secrets. Pretty soon, you’re like a one-man band of mental illness and dark thoughts you’ve never uttered out loud. My band only plays a cacophonous combination of doubt, worry, and despair, and only inside my own head. I like to think that I’ve made a lot of progress in being able to talk about my feelings, but maybe that’s just on a superficial level. The really dark stuff is still jangling away in my one-man band.

The thing about constant noise is, you start to tune it out. You carry on with your life, compensating for the mental energy being drained away. And then suddenly, one of those dark thoughts crashes into your head. For instance, today I remembered that I have bottles of pills hoarded under my bathroom sink. They’re all failed antidepressants; they either didn’t work for me or I was allergic to them. I kept them all “just in case” and although I’m doing better, I’m still afraid to get rid of them. I’ve also kept the razor blade I used to use, tucked away in a sewing kit. That kit has been through hell; the thimble is rusted and my dog chewed through the case, but I never threw it away. Months after the last time I hurt myself, I sometimes pull it out and just hold it.

I guess I’ve kept these things because, deep down, I don’t believe I’ll ever be free from depression. Perhaps that’s the worst component of my one-man band. Or maybe, it’s the string that holds the entire monstrous instrument together.

Love,

Your brain